I fell pregnant with Charlie on Halloween 1997. The pregnancy was relatively trouble-free through the first and second trimester apart from a severe craving for fish...I booked in for midwife care through the pregnancy but to birth in the local hospital which happened to be a very large teaching hospital. At 30 weeks, at a routine midwife appointment, my BP was high enough that the midwife decided to monitor every other day. A week later she sent me into hospital for monitoring as my BP was getting higher. Hospital sent me home and told me to rest and asked the midwife to come and monitor me daily. At 32 weeks I was admitted to hospital with symptoms of pre-Eclampsia.. protein in urine, high BP and oedama. I spent 2 weeks on hospital bed-rest, having drugs for the high BP. At 34 weeks I fell very poorly through the course of an afternoon. Protein was at 4++, my BP was sky rocketing and I had severe oedema all over my body. By 6pm I was showing hypersensitive reflexes and my BP was seriously high. The doctor did an internal to see if I was at all favourable to induce but at 34 weeks it was a long shot. I signed the consent forms for an emergency c-section. Because I was so swollen, the anaesthetist was unable to get an epidural needle in deep enough to be effective. At 9pm my blood pressure was through the roof so I was put under general anaesthetic. Charlie was born weighing 4pounds 3 ounces and was absolutely perfect. He spent 2 weeks in SCBU.
I was desperate to breastfeed him, especially as I had missed out on having a natural delivery that I always had dreamt of having. I was told he didn't have a sucking reflex so was being tube fed so I dutifully expressed as much as I possibly could whenever I could. I didn't get much oppurtunity for skin on skin or even kangaroo care even though I asked about both. I asked frequently to speak to the breastfeeding consultant/specialist/anyone who knew anyting remotely about breastfeeding.... but was told that "she's on holiday". It is thanks to one woman and one woman alone that I managed to breastfeed Charlie for the short precious time that I did and that is my Mum. When he was finally discharged he was breastfeeding on demand but we were sent home with only one person to support us - a special care midwife who tried her hardest to help me get breastfeeding established but it wasn't enough support.... I managed to breastfeed at home for about a week before, in utter desperation with a starving hungry premmie who was losing weight, I went and bought bottles and formula...I began weaning Charlie at 4 months according to the guidelines back then. We began with babyrice and then went onto pureed fruits and vegetables etc finally progressing onto mashed and then slightly lumpy...
When Charlie was 10 months old I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder directly associated with his birth. I received a prompt birth debriefing with the head of the maternity unit at the hospital who went through everything with me step by step and filled in alot of the black holes of no memory that I had. She arranged for a swift 10 week course of counselling with a lady specially trained to deal with birth trauma. I think I actually had a course of CBT. This helped and continues to help to this day.
Despite the counselling I had received I still was desperatley sad that I hadn't managed to breastfeed for longer and carried a deep grief for my lack of birth experience.
In 2008, I fell pregnant with Henry. After 10 years it was a wonderful and lovely suprise as I had kind of resigned myself to the thought that I would only ever have the one child. I took this wonderful oppurtunity to totally immerse myself in my pregnancy. I excitedly researched as much as I thought I needed to about VBAC and did alot of reading online about breastfeeding. I had positive meetings with both the Frome midwives and also the consultant in Bath about my VBAC and got everyone happy to agree to me attempting to VBAC in Frome Birthing Centre :) I spent alot of my pregnancy coming to terms with my fears about pre-eclampsia and did alot of healing throughout my pregnancy using Birth Art and Hypnobirthing techniques. The 34 week crunch line came and went and I suddenly found myself more pregnant than I had ever been before. I totally enjoyed giving myself over to being at one with my pregnant body. Then at 36 weeks my Grandma was rushed into hospital after a sizeable stroke. She continued to have strokes and seizures and they finally were able to scan her (she'd refused for a few years) and they found lung and throat cancer :( As a family we all spent some lovely calm happy times in her last few weeks but it didn't really help with my birthing energies. My due date was 31st October and it came and went. On 5th November my Grandma passed away in her sleep. On 8th November, my birthday came and went without any sign of my baby making an appearance. Finally on the 11th November, my waters spontaneously popped just after tea and I finally got to experience something that I had craved for 10 years... TIGHTENINGS!!! My waters were heavily tinged with Meconium. We phoned the birthing centre and went straight in. The baby was showing decels through contractions so they bluelighted us into the big hospital...I was dehydrated and after being put on a drip, the baby's heart was absolutely fine. I ended up on monitors for a long time though, just so they could be sure....I had a beautiful night in the hospital room. I bounced on a ball for ages, relishing the pain in my back, doing Reiki on myself and then I felt like I needed more heat in my back so I got in a bath. It was dark and wonderful and safe and I got into such a beautiful space. Had they just left me alone I think I would've gone on to have a very peaceful and quiet VBAC in that bath.... however... more monitoring was required and even before they got me strapped up I knew my tightenings had vanished along with my safe birthing space!! I felt desperatley lonely and afraid at that point and after speaking it through with my Dad over the phone, I decided to opt for another C-section. Henry was born weighing 7pound 14 ounces after a lovely section done under epidural :)
His Daddy held him whilst they sewed me up and then I took hold of him and popped him straight to the breast... and he took to it like a dream. I had ALOT to prove to myself and decided that I would just give myself over totally to feeding my son. Our first night in hospital was amazing as he fed and fed and fed. I amazed myself in that I remembered and my body remembered from all those years ago. I gave him a dummy to suck at the end of a feed right from Day 2 because he was a big comfort sucker. Everything was going great for the first 2 weeks and then I developed a nasty crack in one nipple. I had known that I had inverted nipples for years as a particularly nasty nurse in SCBU had told me as much and that I would find it impossible to breastfeed with them...Before Henry was born I had bought an Avent nipplette to try and draw the nipples out, and I used this before every feed to help the nipple extend. As Henry's suck got stronger, nature drew the nipple out in its own particular vicious way and i ended up with a torn hole in the side of my nipple. Got the Health Visitor to come out, who promptly arranged for the lactation nurse to come out, who promptly recommended I phone our local La Leche League lady. This I did and she gave me lots of very good advice over the phone. I was feeling completely shaken and like history was repeating itself. I was told to stop feeding from the damaged side for a week and to express from that side instead and give as top ups. I started to attend the La Leche League Breastfeeding group for moral support and somehow we got through a really intense and emotionally fraught time. My nipple healed but my supply never quite recovered on that side and I developed lopsided boobs which I found/find really amusing :) The top-up EBM we had been getting Charlie to give to Henry in a bottle when he came in from school every afternoon, and even when my nipple was healed, we continued to give a bottle at that time of day.
I just seemed to have gotten my nipple healed, and then other strange things started happening. Henry was very collicky and I would have to wind him during a breastfeed. Every time I fed him he sounded like a drain.. milk in one end... straight through and out the other end as delightful green pippy nappies. I began to feel very insecure again about my ability to breastfeed and had feelings like my milk was bad in someway. I had really tender and sore milk glands but no symptoms of thrush or mastitis...La Leche League again were a tower of strength and I was taught about Over - Active let down reflex. Once I had read the advice sheet and also a book that they lent me, it all made perfect sense. I had been using alternate boobs every feed, so I swapped to making sure that I only ever swapped boob when I was certain the other one was practically empty. I also took to feeding Henry whilst laying on my side on the bed. I would also hand-express a little before a feed just to get things flowing and that seemed to help aswell. Without La Leche I would almost certainly have given up breastfeeding through lack of confidence in my own abilities. With their wonderful support however, I breastfed Henry until I was 10 weeks pregnant with Cushla. He was fed almost exclusively breastmilk apart from one bottle a day of formula from 4 months. He began baby-led weaning at 5 and a half months. His first food was a strawberry he grabbed from my hand. He self-weaned from the breast at 8 months. Our breastfeeds had dwindled over the space of a fortnight to just being a bed-time thing and we had 2 feeds that were intense for both of us. He pulled on and off several times before getting angry with the boobie and being content with a bottle. I suddenly found that my nipples were unbarely sensitive and that I didn't actually want him latching on to me. I was in close contact with La Leche through this transition and I feel very supported and very comfortable that mine and Henry's breastfeeding relationship came to a natural and mutually decisive end. Since the birth of Cushla, Henry has had EBM on more than one occasion and has asked for boob juice ontap several times although has forgotten how to latch on so has just giggled and had some expressed in a cup instead :)
I fell pregnant with Cushla in June 2009. I had pelvic girdle pain after Henry was born and this continued through the pregnancy with Cushla. I saw the physio through my pregnancy and kept active. I researched until I could research no more about VBAC. I booked a Doula who managed to talk me out of going for a HBAC and to opt to go straight for the big hospital for a VBAC instead. At the time this seemed like the best option. At 37 weeks I began having rushing sensations around lunchtime. These picked up in intensity all through the afternoon and by early evening I recognise them as the tightenings I had experienced whilst in that zone having Henry . By 9pm I am walking around our flat and finding myself breathing through these tightenings. At 10pm myself and my best friend decided to go up to the birthing centre and just get them to see what they think is happening...at this point the tightenings are coming every 3 minutes or so and I am having to breath through them... Midwife hooks me up to the monitors and she records regular contractions...she did an internal but cervix was hard and high so she said go home and just run with it .... well that I did... everyday for the next 5 weeks. At 16 days past my EDD, after weighing up all things considered, I decided to opt for an elective c-section after an internal revealed that my cervix was still hard and high and not favourable for a membrane sweep or artificial rupture of membranes to induce labour. Cushla was born weighing 7pounds 4 ounces. The c-section was classed as elective and was all in all a beautiful experience. I asked them to lower the screen as they birthed her which was just beautiful :) She was born straight up and quickly wiped off before being popped onto my chest for a short time so I could kiss her and then her Daddy held her. The operation was hard. My uterus was half encased in scarring and adhesions which may potentially have stopped all those tightenings from ever getting far down enough to start effacing my uterus? At several points they wanted to put me under general anaesthetic as they were struggling to keep my bowel from getting in the way and suchlike. I had to retreat very deep within myself as the anaesthetic was wearing off and I kept refusing morphine for pain releif because I didn't want anything to interfere with me getting to know my baby. Finally they popped a drain in and sewed me up and I was able to pop my darling daughter to the breast.
She latched on like a dream. I fought to keep her in skin on skin with me whilst they muttered about her being a bit cold - they even got as far as wheeling in an incubator but I managed to get her warmed up on me. She did nothing but feed and feed and feed. She worked her little butt off to bring my milk in which took 2 days. Her birth weight dipped slightly below the 10% so I had to try and express when she wasn't on me, to give her top-ups and so they could measure how much milk i had. Ugh! I found myself having to be rather assertive whilst in hospital. Then they started saying that we couldn't go home so I had to argue that the best place for us to be was at home with our local midwives supporting us. I also got told off for using a sling to carry her round in in hospital. Suffice to say I think I left the RUH Princess Anne Wing with more than a few things to think about :) I mean it makes perfect sense for a c-section Mum to carry her baby in a sling rather than push a trolley around!! common sense!! As soon as we got home, our breastfeeding relationship went from strength to strength. All my old fears and anxieties were gone and I breastfed her with confidence. I am still breastfeeding her with confidence and she has just turned 2. She was exclusively breastfed until almost 6 months when we started to introduce other foods. Having tried the traditional route with Charlie and the Baby-Led way with Henry, I decided to do whatever came easiest with Cushla - so a mix of spoonfeeding and finger foods. When we started food stuffs with her we also started to offer a cup of water at meal times. So I am very proud to say that she exclusively had either my breastmilk or water until just after her first birthday. I still breastfeed on demand but she has drinks of regular cows milk or fortified toddler milk aswell.
