If we are to heal the planet, we must begin by healing birthing.

If we are to heal the planet, we must begin by healing birthing.      Agnes Sallet Von Tannenberg

**Please note that some parts in this piece may act as triggers**

Why Birth Matters - Inspired by notes from a lecture "Womb Ecology" by Dr. Michel Odent

In this, the second decade of the twenty first century, the number of women, globally, giving birth in a totally physiological way is so small it is insignificant (Odent 2012)

Physiological birth is a finely tuned, perfectly balanced INVOLUNTARY process that shuts down when inhibited. Yes, that's right... its exactley the same kind of involuntary process as taking a poo... a process that shuts down when interrupted or inhibited.

Ina May Gaskin refers to this as "sphincter law".(GASKIN - Guide to Childbirth, GASKIN - Birth Matters) The human body has several sphincter's and the cervix is one of them. It is beyond inconceivable that as human beings would be expected to defecate in unfamiliar surroundings, wired up to various electrical monitoring devices, given intravenous laxatives in order to move our motions on along a pace, with several strange people wandering in and out of the room... can you imagine? Yet this is exactley the conditions under which most women in the developed and developing world are expected to birth their babies.

As human beings, when physiological processes are under used, they become weaker, eventually becoming ineffectual and eventually becoming obsolete, through the process of generational transfer. Dr. Michel Odent and his colleagues at www.wombecology.com are pulling together research-based evidence in the Primal Health Database which is showing that the human oxytocin system is becoming weaker. Birth IS getting more difficult, with an average first stage of labour lasting two and a half hours longer than it did in the 1950's and 60's. Breastfeeding IS getting more difficult. Oxytocin or lack of oxytocin is impacting on rising levels of sexual/genital disfunction. A study conducted between the years of 1979 and 2009 has shown that our capacity for empathy is decreasing and in 2010 when the study was presented, was 40% lower than in 1979.

There is a very urgent and real need to think about the longterm implications of inteference to the natural processes within the primal phase. The primal phase is pregnancy, birth and what many call the fourth trimester, a period of intense growth during the first year of a baby's life. Human babies are the only mammals other than baby kangaroo's who are born premature. Every other mammal is born able to walk and survive. Kangaroo's have a pouch in which they nurture and feed their premature infant until it reaches maturity and can survive away from the mother. Human babies are mostly born and placed in clear plastic boxes, removed from their mothers for long amounts of time, fed on chemical formulations and denied stimulation of their hormone systems. Increasingly in the field of epigenics, it is becoming known that many genes are established during this primal  health phase. For example, the gene which governs scizophrenia, it's critical environment sensitive phase is during the fetal phase, yet this gene doesn't express itself until puberty. Another example is the gene that governs our metabolic health. Again it's environment sensitive critical phase is fetal. There are many genes which are switched on during this primal health phase and their sensitivity to environment may determine a person's health, both physical and mental, before they have even been born.

Cultural conditioning tells us that women cannot give birth on their own, that it is a dangerous pathological process where both mother and baby's lives are in grave danger. This conditioning is reinforced by ritualised practice such as the routine use of electro fetal monitoring, the insistance that home birth is dangerous, the rapid decline of the midwifery model of care, the normality of induction drugs for women who carry a pregnancy beyond "term". It is also reinforced by the media, when was the last time you saw a woman orgasm whilst she birthed her baby on Eastenders?

The truth is that women are perfectly capable of giving birth on their own, just as any large mammal is perfectly capable of giving birth on it's own. There is a truly remarkable youtube video of an Elephant mother giving birth which deliciously gets this point home... she kicks her baby into life...savage? heartstoppingly raw? such is birth.

I feel at this point it would be helpful to explain the physiological process.


During the end of pregnancy, the presenting part of the baby (either top of head, brow, face or breech (frank(arse), knee's or footling) will drop down into the woman's pelvis and put pressure on the cervix to soften and then begin to dilate. This process cannot begin until the woman feels safe.. no matter how much some women want to go into labour, for some women this process never begins on its own and this is, in my own opinion, can have an awful lot to do with psychology. However, let us assume that our woman has begun to have tightenings (contractions - i use the word tightening as i don't like the word contraction). Her tightenings may not be obvious as such to begin with, she may feel mild cramps or back ache as her baby begins to manouvre through the pelvis before the descent through the birth canal can begin. This phase is known as latent labour. At this point I shall come back to why language is so important. Many women have been stalled at this point, the wind taken from their sails, their confidence eroded into a sense of failure during this latent phase. The term "false labour" has been used culturally. The labour is not false at this point... it is just getting going... and a woman's psychological well being at this time is of paramount importance. When the woman's cervix has dilated to around 3-4cm, the tightenings are usually in a good regular pattern, getting longer in duration with shorter gaps in between. This then becomes what they call "established labour" although I have heard it referred to as "true" labour more times than I care to mention. Again language is so important... "oh you're in false labour love... go home... the pain's only going to get worse from here.... oh you can't manage at home? oh well you're not really dilating fast enough, we'll get you set up with some oxytocin, get you going a bit...." I digress...Our Mum has been in a protected established labour for some hours. Physiologically her neo cortex is beginning to shut down. She may have instinctively taken herself to a dark, protective space... physiologically she is stimulating Melatonin which is stimulated by darkness. Melatonin is the main player in shutting down the neo cortex. The neocortex needs to shut down in order to allow the mother to follow her instincts and birth. In this situation, a woman will instinctively move during and between contractions to the rythym and positions her body is telling her she needs to be in. She is connecting with her mammalian self (Ina May calls it the Monkey Self), allowing the finely tuned hormonal cocktails to rise and flow and do the jobs they are designed to do. Oxytocin is the hormone that gets labour going, that stimulates the uterus to move the baby down. It is the hormone that pushes the placenta out during the third stage of labor. It is the hormone that peaks hugely in the hour after birth allowing a woman to fall head over heels in love with her baby and therefore protect it with her life if needs be.

Synthetic oxytocin is structurally exactley the same as natural oxytocin. However, synthetic oxytocin doesn't cross the brain/blood barrier. During a physiological birth, natural oxytocin is a powerful analgesic, aswell as enhancing feelings of ability to cope and reducing levels of fear and therefore Adrenaline and Cortisol. During an augmented labour, synthetic oxytocin will keep the uterus contracting very efficiently but will offer none of the pain relieving and soothing qualities of the natural stuff. Not only that but synthetic oxytocin will halt the natural oxytocin system....with the natural oxytocin system halted, it's opposite, the stress system - the fight or flight reflex, will have free reign to do what damage it will. I will come back to Oxytocin later.

A ritualised aspect of our current attitudes towards pregnancy and childbirth is this obsession with the estimated date of delivery. Women count 40 weeks forward from the day their last menstrual period began and come up with the hallowed D DAY! except this business of 40 weeks is at best the bleetings of a silly straw clutcher and at worst, damaging humanity, every single second of every day. You see, the 40 week myth is just that really. Increasingly women are standing up and protecting their babies, their bodies and their human rights, to allow their bodies to dictate when they will go into labour. The trend of working out a due date based on last menstrual period, is farsical because it is based on the assumption that most women have a 28 day menstrual cycle and that they ovulate at day 14 on their cycle. So this calculative method excludes everyone who's menstrual cycle falls outside 28 days and who therefore doesn't ovulate on day 14 of a 28 day cycle. Thats a hell of a lot of women!!! The method also works on the assumption that each pregnancy will be the same and that a woman carrying her fourth baby will carry that baby for a similar or shorter time than her first baby. Insane?? yes I thinkso to. It is true for an awful lot of women that they will go into labour some time around 38-40 weeks of pregnancy, however it is also true that for an awful lot of women, that they will naturally enter into labour around 42 or even 43 or 44 weeks, depending on how many children they have previously had, what their menstrual cycle is like, when they ovulate etc etc etc. Culturally, many many women argue with their midwives until they are blue in the face about when they KNOW they conceived their child. Many of us KNOW also that getting this estimated due date, even just a week wrong, can have huge, massive and complex impact on our birthing experience, impacting on where we may or may not be supported to birth, impacting on whether our baby's lungs will be mature enough to cope away from the uterine environment, impacting on now long our care givers will display confidence in our pregnancy and our ability to birth in a physiologically natural way.

Many women are still routinely offered "induction" after the pregnancy is deemed "over-due". Culturally we need very much to drop this obsession with the 40 week due date. Why? induction usually involves the application of a pessary of prostaglandin gel (nature has an effective counterpart - its called SEMEN). After the pessary it may be deemed necessary to begin the woman on an IV of synthetic oxytocin (syntocinon/pitocin). Every day across the globe, women are being induced with a substance that is inhibiting their own oxytocin. Remembering about generational transfer, this trend of induction without any medical reason beyond a spurious "your baby is overdue according to our ridiculous, un-inclusive method of plucking information out of thin air", is slowly but surely destroying our ability to birth physiologically.


It is clear that we need a new paradigm that protects birth as an involuntary physiological process. We must challenge cultural conditioning and ritualised practice which does not serve any purpose and hinders. We must be ever mindful of the language we use when we talk about birth. We must protect the birthing woman from stimulation of the neocortex inorder that she can find her "labor-land" and birth her baby. The true role of the midwive can be described as a silent knitting session. What could be more reassuring and comforting than the every attentive but silent companionship of a highly knowledgeable and skillful midwive, knitting in the corner? Dr. Michel Odent says we must Rediscover what is Simple and I whole heartedly agree.

"If Women Can Lead - Men Can Nurture" - Inspired by notes from a lecture by Detective SuperIntendant John Carnochan of the Scottish Violence Reduction Unit.

Birth Matters because as already discussed, at an epigenic level, practically our entire lives are governed by what our environment is like in the Primal phase of life, i.e during pregnancy, birth and the first year or two of life. The Scottish Violence Reduction Unit recognises the fact that violence needs to be addressed in the early years of life because by the time a child reaches puberty it is too late. Remember our scizophrenic gene that is turned on during our fetal phase but is only expressed at puberty?


The causes of violence can be split:

• Propensity to Violence
• Social factors that trigger violence such as anger.

The latter is what we have culturally been fixated on. Our propensity to violence has been largely ignored. This propensity is set down during the primal phase as previously discussed. Domestic Abuse leads to violence.  Interpersonal violence is not a judicial problem it is a Public Health problem. The least violent societies are those which are most equal.

So where does birth fit into this?

A long term model of consequences could be displayed as a pyramid with toxic childhood forming the base and early death forming the pinnacle.

Early Death

|

Disease, Disability and Social Problems

|

Adoption of Health Risk Behaviours (alcohol and drug addiction, violence)

| 

Social, Economic and Cognitive Impairment

|

Adverse Childhood Experience - Toxic Childhood.

Birth becomes of paramount importance when you understand the role Oxytocin plays in our capacity to be nurturing, loving parents.

Let us return to our Mum from the previous section. 

She is induced at 41weeks pregnant. The induction means she cannot move around in labour and so after a night of severe pain, a failed epidural and utter exhaustion, she is labelled as a "failure to progress" and whisked off to theatre for an emergency caesarean section. Her bodies own oxytocin system is halted. She goes into shock after the baby is born as the baby needs rescusitation and has been whisked off to the neonatal intensive care unit due to low oxygen levels. Our Mum doesn't know anyone who has breastfed and despite listening to her midwife discussing the benefits of breastfeeding, our Mum knows that her boyfriend has said he thinks breastfeeding is disgusting and only Paedo's would do that to their babies. However our Mum listens to her midwife and decides to try and express some of her own milk for her baby to have in a bottle. Our Mum expresses a few drops of collustrum and hands it to the NICU staff who tut and roll their eyes and exclaim on the minute amount in the container. Our Mum doesn't know that her baby's stomach is only the size of a marble so she doesn't know that what she has expressed is perfect for her baby. Her tiny amount of confidence is eroded and, listening to her Mum, she decides to bottle feed formula milk instead. Baby is discharged along with Mum and they return home. Mum's breasts become very painful and she goes down with a nasty flu-like bug. Her GP diagnoses mastitis and gives her some antibiotics but doesn't tell her to empty the breast and thus drawn the infection out. Mum feels very poorly indeed for quite some time but feels grateful to the hospital for saving her baby's life (rescusitation) and for cutting her baby out of her apparantley useless body. One day she tells her boyfriend that she feels so sad that she didn't give birth naturally. Her best friend has just had an unexpectedly quick labour and birth at home and has been telling everyone on facebook about how amazing it was and how powerful she feels. She has even told her very best friend that she didn't think it was possible but she actually had several orgasms whilst pushing her baby out. Our Mum is feeling torn in two and utterly alone. Her boyfriend tells her that its not the birth that matters, all that matters is that her and the baby are healthy. She nods and crys silent tears. Some time later she shares how she is feeling with her own Mum who tells her not to be silly, she should be grateful her baby is alive and healthy!! Our Mum plods along with a growing resentment for this young life that has made her feel so completely and utterly shit. Her boyfriend walks out one day because she is "miserable all the fucking time" and doesn't come back. Her resentment and apathy towards the baby grows because everything was brilliant and alright before she fell pregnant!! Luckily her baby is a good baby and sleeps between bottles but when the baby is awake our Mum finds it very hard to even pick up her baby and spends long amounts of time ignoring the baby crying in the moses basket in the corner. One day the baby doesn't cry like it usually does and the Mum feels glad that "that phase" must be over with. She doesn't know that the reason her baby doesn't cry anymore is because its body is over-run with cortisol and adrenaline and it has simply given up crying as a way to try to communicate it's need to be loved and nurtured. This little family plod along in a very poor area with little work oppurtunities, serious territorial gang problems and huge drug and alcohol addiction problems. They are moved several times due to domestic abuse and due to regeneration projects. Our Mum has slipped through the support net as she has a cultural belief, fed by her friends and her own Mother, that Health Visitors are the same thing as social services. So she has never bothered to keep appointments or allow them access and has pretended to be out when they have called around. Our child begins pre-school as a very quiet, very withdrawn little thing. He doesn't know how to play or use his imagination. He doesn't get cuddled or kissed at home and when the other children try to be affectionate, he hits out at them. By the time our child starts secondary school, he has been excluded more than several times. He spends most of his time bunking off school and hanging out with his mates. They don't know about the gang structure they are in. They are just mates and they fight with other groups from neighbouring estates. One day they are fighting and our lad pulls a knife and stabs two innocent passers by. He has stabbed people loads of times before. This time one victim dies at the scene and the other put in intensive care... Our lad goes to prison for Murder and is not yet 16. 

The first part of this story I have made up but I could easily be talking about a huge number of women including myself. The second part of this story is sadly very true and very real. The lad is called David, from Glasgow. His story is heartbreaking... it does continue... David comes out of prison released to his grandmother's care because his Mum has died from a Heroin overdose whilst he was inside. Gran is a formidable woman with 8 children. 2 of David's uncles die in the next few years from alcohol related diseases. David does more time inside for drug dealing and associated violent behaviour. On release he gains employment from an organised gang as a security guard. During this time there is an unreported attack carried out by him using a Machete. On the street he lives, practically every house is home to a drug dealer. David becomes a Dad aged 27.... the cycle begins over... and over... and over.....

Why does birth matter? Why does Oxytocin matter? Can we really heal the planet by beginning with birth?

As the physiological process of birth weakens, as the cultural trend of viewing pregnancy as a disease to be managed and treated persists, as our oxytocin system declines we continue to give up our power to those that we believe will do it for us. We look to our doctors and midwives to deliver us healthy babies with little mess and fuss and nonsense. We look to serious nasty drugs to dull our senses and take away the pain of our fear. We look to brightly coloured tins of formula milk that we may water down to make it go further, to feed our babies. We buy specially designed bottle props so we can clean our boxes whilst our babies feed. Our babies are "good" when they are stressed to the max and are "naughty" when they are crying for love and nurture. We look to school teachers to instill in our young right from wrong and we moan that they have too many holidays and that we have to take time off work in the school holidays. We pay nannies/aupairs/childminders to look after our children whom we label with disorders when we feed them poisons masquerading as food additives. We look to the community police men and women to cuff the ears of our little shits when they are abusing innocent passers by in the street and we moan about how much more respect children had for their elders and betters back in our day......

In our communities we need leaders with vision and creativity NOT technicians.

We need to recognise that professional gangs such as the police force and health service lead to territorialisation... them and us!

We need to look at outcomes NOT processes.

We need to look at assets not deficits!

This means again going back to what is simple. Looking at what is working and helping, not spending millions of tax payers money on ideological processes that lead to nowhere, fast.

"If you bring young men up in war zones, you will create warriors" - John Carnochan 2012

"What you teach a child about violence, you teach them for life" - John Carnochan 2012

Birth Matters because birth can make or break a woman. Birth Matters because birth can make or break a child.

AMAZING PEOPLE DO AMAZING THINGS - John Carnochan 2012.

Oxytocin-The Inner Guide to Motherhood - Inspired by notes from a lecture by Dr. Kerstin Uvnas-Moberg.

I have referred to the Oxytocin system at length thus far but now I shall attempt to illustrate just why it is of paramount importance and why it's decline on a global level is putting humanity into a highly critical phase of existance.

The Fight or Flight reflex is a very deep survival reflex. The hormones Adrenalin and Cortisol are hugely present during this reflex. We experience no empathy and become insensitive to touch. Our gastro/intestinal system shuts down and our liver releases glucose to fuel our flight/fight. The fight or flight reflex is triggered in the hypothalmus which is also where Oxytocin and the hormone that governs the release of Prolactin, the other vital breastfeeding hormone.

What words/feelings/emotions are associated with good Oxytocin levels?
Relaxed, Calm, Content, Happy, Peaceful, Warm, Open, Generous, Empathic, Friendly, Closeness, Trust, Loyalty, Giving, Receiving, Love, Unity.



What does Oxytocin do?
It triggers maternal behaviour.
It is important to facilitate bonding between mother and child but also in pair bonding in relationships.
It lowers blood pressure and heartrate.
It increases gastro/intestinal activity.
It increases our pain threshold and acts as a natural analgesic.
It has an effect very similar to Valium in that it makes people less afraid and calmer.
It decreases cortisol secretion so therefore has a positive effect on depression and anxiety.
It does the exact opposite of the stress system.
Its effects are long lasting.
It decreases inflammation.
It increases capacity to learn.
It increases social interaction and ability to interpret social cues.
It increases capacity to trust.
It is closely linked to seratonin.
It can also cause weight gain in females that are stressed.

If oxytocin is given to a newborn baby its effects are life changing and last a lifetime.

There are ongoing clinical trials into the use of Oxytocin (synthetic given as nasal spray which WILL cross the blood brain barrier) for conditions such as Autism, Social Phobia, Schizophrenia, Depression, Anxiety, Stress-related disorders, Substance Abuse, and as an adjunct to Psychotherapy.

I am reminded of Michel Odent's "Keep it Simple" and John Carnochan with his assets not deficits.....

The stimulation of nerves from the skin is the major contributor to Oxytocin production, yet touch has largely been disregarded for it's therapeutic value. Our skin is the largest sensory organ that we have. It is also the first sensory organ to activate during the fetal phase. Studies have shown that pleasant touch produces an anti-stress response or put into other words, an increase in Oxytocin.

What brings about Oxytocin release?

40 degrees centigrade... this fascinates me as a reiki practicioner as I have felt increasingly that Reiki stimulates Oxytocin production. Reiki can produce the sensation of intense heat.
Vibration.
Low intensity.
Stroking of no more than about 40 strokes per minute.

Stroking has been proven to be incredibly efficient at bringing about Oxytocin release.Stroking the front of the body is much more efficient than stroking the back. The reason for this is that the front side has more primal connections to the brain.... and this is the physiology behind why we like cuddling and hugging :) This is also why babies knead and stroke their mother's breasts and why cats knead laps of their owners ;)

Stroking as a method of increasing Oxytocin is more efficient than either injected synthetic oxytocin or nasal spray oxytocin.... keeping it simple ;) HUG MORE!!!!

During breastfeeding, Oxytocin is released in pulss that relate to milk ejection. Levels will fall back to base levels after about 20 minutes. Higher Oxytocin levels mean higher Prolactin levels which means more milk is made. Hormones are mirrored by mother and baby. A baby's suckling reflex not only stimulates it's own gastrointestinal tract but also that of its mother! Every time a mother breastfeeds, her Cortisol levels reduce and her blood pressure decreases.. and this effect is cumulative. Breastfeeding gives the exact same short and longterm positives as synthetic oxytocin nasal spray!!

Higher levels of Oxytocin in the body result in a higher birth weight but a child infinitely less likely to suffer Stroke, Hypertension, Heart problems or Type 2 Diabetes.... I hope readers are starting to see how massively vitally important Oxytocin is, and how obvious it is becoming that our Oxytocin system, as a species, is becoming weaker and failing....

Something that all women who have encountered pregnancy will be familiar with is the phrase "skin on skin". After a totally physiological uninterrupted birth, a newborn baby if placed on its mother's abdomen or chest, will actively seek out the breast. You can view videos on Youtube of babies less than an hour old, actually crawling up their mother's bodies and seeking out their booby! Oxytocin levels after a physiological birth, peak hugely in the hour after birth... to allow Mum to bond, fall hopelessly in love with her baby and to ensure that she will protect that new life with her own life if needs be. Little wonder that this bonding can be so infuriatingly ellusive to so very very many of us when our births are far from physiological!

Men also produce oxytocin so are perfectly equipped to whip shirts off and offer skin on skin to their newborn if Mum is unable. Dad's are also perfectly equipped to offer kangaroo care to sick or premature babies. Oxytocin pulses make the breasts warm and skin on skin can help warm a cold baby up aslong as the oxytocin is flowing. Due to the mirroring phenomena previously discussed, if mum is warm then baby will be warm. I have direct personal experience of this. When my daughter was but a few hours old, a midwife wheeled in an incubator because they felt that she was too cold. I firmly declined this option and instead snuggled my daughter in very close and my dear friend curled herself around me and my baby girl and we got warm.... the other name for Oxytocin is the LOVE hormone!

Skin to skin is almost as beneficial as breastfeeding in terms of oxytocin release but just gives a single pulse of oxytocin release as opposed to the multi-pulses of milk-ejection release. Skin on skin doesn't effect milk production as much as many are led to believe but is vitally important never the less. After one year, a child that has had skin on skin as a baby will display higher levels of social interraction than a child who has not.

It may be the love hormone but there is a darker, primal side to Oxytocin aswell. It increases worry and concern for the infant and will also increase propensity to maternal aggression if mum feels threatened! Hah! Yep I got first hand on that one aswell ;) and a midwife in the hospital I had my daughter at got the full pelt of my aggression the night she told me off for feeding perched on the edge of my hospital bed ;)

Oxytocin is inhibited by being in an unfamiliar environment!! Hospital? Theatre?

During an elective caesarean (i.e a caesarean conducted when the mother is not in labour). Oxytocin levels take several days to come up. This is possibly the biggest reason that so many women who have had elective caesareans struggle to breastfeed, struggle to bond with their babies etc. I would say this is also true of any non-labour caesarean be it elective or emergency. With an emergency caesarean whilst Mum is in labour, oxytocin levels should be raised aslong as they haven't been inhibited by the administration of synthetic oxytocin!!

To conclude this essay, I hope I have managed to illustrate the science behind why I am so passionate about natural physiological birth and breastfeeding. I firmly and passionatley feel that we can heal the sickness within humanity by starting with healing birth. I am convinced that almost everything that is wrong with our species is to do with the way we handle birth on a global scale. I am sick of this notion that medicalisation of birth is necessary, with the idea that because we walk on two legs we are incapable of giving birth naturally. I am infuriated with what is happening to midwifery in this country and all across the globe. I am inspired massively by the amazing men and women working tirelessly to promote the new paradigm of birth that Michel Odent talked about. Birth is sacred. Birth needs to be protected. Attending this conference, I left with a warm heart and safe in the knowledge that everything my instinct and intuition tells me is right and true, is backed by the cutting edge of science!!!!!!!We need to take back our power like John says, we need to cuddle and touch more like Kirsten says... and like the wonderful Michel says, we need to protect the physiological involuntary process that is birth with everything we have...

I have used notes taken during "The Biological Norm" Breastfeeding Awareness Conference at Bournemouth 4.5.12 as the basis for this piece. Please do feel free to raise points for discussion :)

Article contribution for The Mule

I was always adamant I was going to breastfeed my children. I had been breastfed, I had watched as my brother had been breastfed and I had watched my Aunt breastfeed two of my cousins. I was a child of the 70's, instinctively knew somehow that attatchment parenting was where it was at and breastfeeding was MY norm!

My eldest son was born in late June 1998, at 34weeks gestation, by emergency caesarean under general anaesthetic due to very severe pre-eclampsia. He spent his first two weeks on SCBU. He was born without his sucking reflex so the morning after the night I nearly died twice (once from the pre-eclampsia, once from an uncalabrated morphine administering machine (was getting morphine every time i clicked), I found my way to the milk room and began expressing because my baby's life depended on it. Armed with my polaroid picture of my tiny baby boy I sat expressing for his tube feeds at every available oppurtunity and Every drop he had down his tube was my collustrum and then milk.

My Mum flew up the motorway to be with us and it is down to her and her alone that I managed to breastfeed my boy at all. I repeatedly asked the scbu staff to see the lactation specialist, the breastfeeding support ... was told that that lady was on holiday and nobody else was available. I asked about kangaroo care and was practically laughed at. One nurse tutted at my inverted left nipple and told me I'd never be able to feed babies with *that* .He began to latch on and feed from me so they had us into the overnight room and we spent two days and nights trying so hard to exclusively feed... i was up against it... he *had* to gain a certain amount of weight or they wouldn't let him out... i was only 24 years old and i didn't know any different... our last night in hospital i asked them to give him a cup feed with some expressed milk I still had in the fridge from his tube feeds and i was scorned by midwives and made to feel like i was failing. The following morning my then husband argued with the nurses that we were taking our baby home (little man was an ounce below their cut-off point) and so we went home. A special care midwife came out every day to us and me and her would spend hours trying to get little man to latch on and feed well. Through the course of this week he lost precious weight and energy. Every feed was hell, he was ravenous but didn't have the energy to suck the milk from me. My body was racing with adrenalin and oxytocin was nowhere to be seen :( I didn't know anything about the physiology of breastfeeding and neither did the lady who was trying to help me... there was nowhere to turn and so after just a week of demand breastfeeding, i turned to formula milk and my little man began to thrive. It was only after he began formula milk that I enjoyed feeding him and could enjoy skin on skin and bonding cuddles. I was heartbroken. I was a failure of a woman. My body broke and nearly killed me and my son and then it broke some more and couldn't nourish my baby boy. A diagnosis of Post traumatic stress disorder was given alongside some intense counselling and debriefing when my son was about 10months old.

In February 2008 I unexpectedly found myself pregnant again. I did an awful lot of research into VBAC and a whole lot more research into breastfeeding. When my second son was born after an emergency caesarean done under epidural, at 12 days post dates, I was elated.I'd declined morphine as pain relief and was so glad I had :) He latched on like a dream in recovery and I was buzzing on the labour I had experienced even though it had ended in another section. My boobs seemed to remember what to do, even after all those years I knew the difference between the different sorts of sucks. I had gotten so angry whilst pregnant that I had held onto so much guilt about stopping breastfeeding my eldest. Blessed with a super fast internet connection (we didn't even have the internet back in '98) I was able to absorb so much information. I got an Avent Nipplette to draw my nipples out and wasn't going to let that awful nurse's words from ten years previous bring me down.

The first two weeks of feeding my middle son went like a dream. He was gaining weight well and it didn't hurt and I was flying.... and then all of a sudden I developed a huge hole in the side of my left nipple. It was the most inverted one and as my son had gotten stronger, his suck had pulled the nipple out particularly ferociously during the course of several feeds. I was in a mess. Each feed from that side was searing pain that didn't stop. No matter what position we tried to feed from it hurt. I tried nipple shields which just hurt even more. The Health Visitor was brilliant and referred us straight away to a lactation nurse. She came out and saw us and advised me to phone our local La Leche League lady, which I did. I was given the advice to stop trying to feed off the damaged side, to let it heal. I expressed from that side for a week and we gave the EBM to our son in a bottle. Without the support of the local La Leche League group I would have definatley not had the confidence to continue. They were amazing and got me back to feeding from both sides although the supply never really picked back up fully on that side and my son always preferred the right side.
We just got over the nipple damage and then other strange things started happening. He was very collicky and I would have to wind him during a breastfeed. Every time I fed him he sounded like a drain.. milk in one end... straight through and out the other end as delightful green pippy nappies. I began to feel very insecure again about my ability to breastfeed and had feelings like my milk was bad in someway. I had really tender and sore milk glands but no symptoms of thrush or mastitis...La Leche League again were a tower of strength and I was taught about Over - Active let down reflex. Once I had read the advice sheet and also a book that they lent me, it all made perfect sense. I had been using alternate boobs every feed, so I swapped to making sure that I only ever swapped boob when I was certain the other one was practically empty. I also took to feeding him whilst laying on my side on the bed. I would also hand-express a little before a feed just to get things flowing and that seemed to help aswell. Without La Leche I would almost certainly have given up breastfeeding through lack of confidence in my own abilities. With their wonderful support however, I breastfed my second son until I was 10 - 12 weeks pregnant with my daughter. He was fed almost exclusively breastmilk apart from one bottle a day of formula from 4 months. He began baby-led weaning at 5 and a half months. His first food was a strawberry he grabbed from my hand. He self-weaned from the breast at 8 months. Our breastfeeds had dwindled over the space of a fortnight to just being a bed-time thing and we had 2 feeds that were intense for both of us. He pulled on and off several times before getting angry with the boobie and being content with a bottle. I suddenly found that my nipples were unbarely sensitive and that I didn't actually want him latching on to me. I was in close contact with La Leche through this transition and I feel very supported and very comfortable that our breastfeeding relationship came to a natural and mutually decisive end.

My daughter was born in March 2010. At 16days post dates she was a beautiful, peaceful, healing, empowered and as natural as we could manage elective caesarean.We got virtually instant skin on skin but unfortunatley I had to ask her daddy to take her as I had to concentrate. The surgeon had had to cut higher up my uterus because of internal scarrings and adhesions incasing my "gnarly" lower uterus. This meant my bowel was "problematic". After my beautiful empowering caesarean birth, I had to go to depths of myself I have never had to before... the mission was on... operation STAY AWAKE NO MATTER WHAT!!! Once again I'd only allowed them to put in the minimum amount of morphine to get me through the operation, and because of the problems this had now worn off and I could feel everything. This was the moment the birth warrior was born. I declined morphine several times and also declined being "sent to sleep" twice. Instead I did the most powerful self-healing reiki treatment on myself plus a SHED load of hypnotherapy.. we got through it ;) Hear My Roar!!! My daughter had been born so peacefully and nothing was going to wreck it! ;) She was fine fast asleep in her Dad's arms :) he handed her over and she latched on like a dream :)

I fed her literally every time she so much as squeeked. By this time I was bang up to date on everything I could get my hands on to do with breastfeeding. My milk came in.. get this... the night between day 2 and 3 ;) She fed her little bum off bless her heart :) Later on the afternoon of the day she was born, a midwife wheeled in an incubator because my little one was a bit cold. They didn't really like the fact that all she had on was a nappy and I had her either latched on naked or naked between my breasts. They kept bleating on about how she was cold and then when I saw the incubator I went as ballistic as I could do, off my head on oxytocin :p Hear My Roar! My bestfriend/soulsister/doula was with me and when I told them to take the incubator away as my daughter wasn't going anywhere except for right between my breasts, she squared her shoulders and told the midwife we didn't need the incubator thankyou. Then she somehow balanced herself on the edge of the bed and wrapped me and my daughter up as much as she could :) The night my milk came in was a nightmare. I was feeding on demand, my baby girl was working hard to get her milk in. I was in the worst pain of my life from the drain inserted right across my abdomen and I had a bitch midwife on duty who was in the particularly perverse practice of denying pain relief medication!! When I *eventually* got hold of my drugs sheet I noticed that she left me go 6 hours without any medication other than the morphine she conned me into thinking that was all I could have... bitch.. she got the full explosion of my roar that night ;) I think the whole hospital heard my roar. She took my daughter off me for 15 minutes until another midwife went and got her back again for me! She told me off for sitting perched on the side of the bed feeding (it was the only position i could rest in that wasn't excruatingly painful). Day 3 the paediatrician starts muttering because my daughter had lost 11% of her birth weight. At this point I started to get incredibly pissy. I told them i would discharge both of us back to the care of our community midwives, I told them that there was no way I could be expected to establish a good breastfeeding relationship in hospital with all the stress they were putting me under and that I had no doubt in my ability to a) feed my daughter by breast and b) my entire support network of community midwives and la leche league where at home where we needed to be!! They took the drain out that day which was a blessed relief and I think I spent the whole day either breastfeeding or expressing between feeds so the bloody paediatrician could stop stressing!!! I even told them they should be congratulating me because my milk was in, not blathering on at me about a measely 1 bloody percent!!! I think it was also day 3 that I got told off for carrying my daughter around in a pouch sling :D cue a meeting with the maternity manager to first discuss and then challenge hospital protocol.. she left with the name of the sling written down on a peice of paper along with a promise to bring up the whole issue of baby-wearing in hospital at their next policy meeting lol!! Some may call me a gobshite but I knew it was my last baby and it was my last chance to challenge protocol from the inside ;) Assertive! Hear My Roar!!! We were discharged on Day 4 (like they dared to suggest otherwise) and we never looked back. My community midwives were delighted to have us back at home to be able to support us properly. La Leche League were great. I was feeding with supreme confidence. We had no problems at all. She never wanted to take EBM so i never bothered in the end. She never had a dummy either. She fed every 2 hours through the night until her 1st birthday when I moved her out of the bed and the other half moved back in again :) She had her last feed from me a week or so after her second birthday. I wouldn't say it was 100% child-led as I did encourage the wean in the last few weeks mainly because she was mostly dry sucking and it hurt. She only drank breastmilk and the odd drop of water for her first year.
With the benefit of hindsight I can only now (in the last month or two) look back at my experience with my eldest and know that what little feeding I did do, was a truly amazing thing, given the heartbreaking lack of respect and support. That experience destroyed an already practically destroyed Me and I carried that heartbreak, guilt and sense of failure for a bloody long time... I had no self confidence in my ability to breastfeed when my middle son was born and La Leche League and some brilliant friend's who were also feeding at the same time, kept me strong, focussed and helped me set acheivable goals. My self confidence was un-shakable when I had my daughter because I was as informed as I could be, as educated as I could be and could advocate for myself with confidence.
I am now an NHS trained breastfeeding peer supporter and trainee Doula :) I help run a weekly breastfeeding peer support group in Wincanton, Somerset and I also help at the antenatal breastfeeding workshops we have locally.

Re-Writing the Experience

A while ago, I read two really poignant posts from Pam England (Birthing from Within) regarding how we tell our children's birth stories CLICKY and how we should try and tell our children their birth stories in a way that is magical and far-removed from the medical aspects surrounding it CLICKY

It got me thinking that I should really try and write the births of my three children in such a way that they can tell their own children. 3 stories completely removed of any of MY trauma. 3 stories that are fuelled by the magic and wonder of their (my babies) existance.  3 stories that I can tell them that won't fill little Cushla's head with the idea that birth is to be feared xxx I am going to write them as if I am telling the kids their own stories :) Charlie knows everything about how he was born - he is a truly amazing boy and I am so very proud of him - I've written his story though as if i was telling him for the first time as a little boy....Henry and Cushla don't know their birth stories yet though... so this exercise is largely for them :) 

Charlie's Magical Birth Story

You were born on a warm summer's evening just after the summer solstice of 1998. I wasn't awake when you were born but my midwife told me that you had a big old shout and wee'd all over the theatre staff and that had been a good sign that you were fighting fit and healthy albeit a teeny tiny 4 pound 3 ounces :) I was sure that you would have a mass of curly hair when you were born and I kept asking everyone "Does he have curly hair?" I was quite poorly and you had been taken to a special ward where little babies go when their Mummy's are poorly, so the first time I saw you it was on a photograph. You were so perfect and I couldn't wait to meet you properly. A while later I was a little bit better, so a midwife went to get you from the special ward. You were wearing a little tiny hat and a cardigan over the tiniest little babygrow and vest. I really wanted to take all your clothes off and snuggle him but the midwife said you would get too cold, she helped me to take off your little booties and mittens though and helped me to snuggle you into my boobs for a short while :) I remember holding you and cuddling you and touching your tiny perfect fingers and toes and kissing your tiny little head :) For the first few days of your life, you looked like a tiny little old man. Your eyes were very wise and I used to spend long amounts of time just gazing into them. You also had very baggy knees and no bum cheeks!! When you did your first poo it was a huge poo for such a little man. Your Dad kept pulling wipes out of the pack and the poo kept coming. Nana knitted special tiny little cardigans and hats and booties and mittens for you and went and got gorgeous little outfits for you to wear when you came home from hospital :) When we had first seen you on a scan when I was about 8 weeks pregnant, your little heartbeat had looked like a twinkling star and that was my name for you all through my pregnancy...your first tiny clothes had little stars embroidered on them - you might be a strapping lad now but you are still my little star xxxxxx

Henry's Magical Birth Story


You were born on a sunny late autumn morning in November 2008. The day before I had been to visit Avebury stone circle and had sat on the Goddess stone for a long time enjoying how calm I felt. I got home and had some tea with Daddy and Charlie and stood up to take my plate out to the kitchen and heard/felt a big pop and realised that the watery sack you were snuggled up inside in my tummy had popped all on it's own and you were ready to be born :) I was soooo excited as I was 41 weeks and 4 days pregnant and couldn't wait to meet you :) Tightenings started about half an hour later but because we could see that you had done a poo inside me, we went straight to the birthing centre to see the midwives and they decided that we should go to the big hospital as I was dehydrated and you needed me to be on top form.

We went for a ride in an ambulance which was very exciting. I was having lots of tightenings and was enjoying breathing through them and doing lots of Reiki on myself. My midwife kept asking me if i was ok because I was very quiet but I was only quiet because I was so enjoying the tightenings and was enjoying using light energy to work with them :) The hospital was quite loud and buzy but eventually we were given our own room quite late that night. Daddy and I shared a sandwich and Nanna went and found a comfy sofa and we all settled down for the night. Well they did but I couldn't sit still at all because you were on your way :)

I asked for a birthing ball and sat bouncing at the end of the bed, resting my head on the mattress but dancing you down and down whilst on the ball. All the time I was doing Reiki on myself and then everything got really intense and I knew I needed more heat in my back :) I asked the midwife if I could have a bath and she ran a bath that was barely warm so after she left I put loads of hot water in and entered my safe birthing space. Henry, you and I worked so well in that lovely warm water my darling boy. The pain that I had all melted away and yet the tightenings felt more productive and in my head we were away with the birthing fairies and it was just lovely. I shall treasure those precious hours for ever and ever Henry because you gave me such a precious gift and we enjoyed it together :)

Soon it was morning and we all decided that it was best for you to be born sooner rather than later, so off we went to the birthing room and in no time at all I saw you being born and then in the blink of an eye you were all snuggled up in daddy's arms until Mummy could hold you a little while after that :)

You were such a superstar and fed so brilliantly and because you did that it healed something else that was very broken inside my heart Henry. So not once but twice did you mend mummy's very broken heart and that is why, my precious scorpio sunshine boy, you have Rohan as your middle name...It is sanskrit for healing and ascencion and that is precisely what you did Henry Boo :) you brought the sunshine back, you mended a broken heart and you gave me such a gift you will never really understand how much my love, you gave me tightenings that hurt in a way that was utterly blissful and you paved the way for your little sister to come into our world without Mummy being scared anymore. I am sorry I was so scared when you were in my tummy Henry and I am sorry that I didn't find my tiger and roar louder when we were in our bubble in the bath baby boy... I found my tiger when Cushla was born but you made my heart light again xxxxxx

Giving Birth to Cushla: as in giving the sacred essence of birth to my daughter as she came earthside, maintaining that precious gift of birth without fear to my daughter for the rest of my days on this planet, protecting her and nurturing her... when "giving birth" became such a profoundly intricate and precious and lifelong commitment..the moment i became truly concious of the depth of birth and realised it was nothing to do with my vagina.... From Mother to Daughter ... nurturing wisdom XxxxX

Well of course you were going to be born on the 8th of March my love. Of course you weren't going to share a birthday with Nanna or Cousin Jack, of course you were going to be a Pisces and of course you weren't ever remotley going to be born in February like they said... although you did try my sweet, you did try :)

At 37 weeks I started what they call Prodromal labour. It started with little rushes around lunchtime and by 9pm that evening I was having to breathe between the tightenings which were coming 3 minutes apart. Auntie Clair came over and we went up to the Birthing Centre and they recorded contractions on the monitors and told us to go home and it might be a while yet but you were on your way.... hah! :) oh no no no you sooooo was going to be a Pisces that 5 weeks later, the prodromal labour had settled into a predictable fashion and each and every day of those 5 weeks we spent on tenter hooks wondering if today would be the day :)

I was 42 weeks and 2 days pregnant on the day you were born :) All my bump with you was on the front but even then I still managed to fit behind the wheel of the car and I drove to hospital that morning hoping that my cervix might have been ripe enough to encourage us into labour but knowing that you were going to be born that day regardless. The sun was shining bright - it was such a beautiful day the day you were born :)

Of course you wanted to be born the exact same way your brothers had come... of course, my beautiful little shmoo :)

We had an amazing team of birthers around us when you came earthside. Daddy was right there, Auntie Clair outside pacing the corridor and wearing tracks in the floor, Bob the anaesthetist and the lovely registrar who had birthed Henry. It was like meeting old friends all over again and everyone was there to welcome you into the world in the most gentlest and special and loving way we all could :) and we did my angel, we did :) When you were born they lifted you high so I could see you and then in almost an instant you were laid right on my skin for a snuggle and kiss. Daddy had to hold you then because Mummy was buzy trying to stay awake

Mummy became a fierce warrior that day sweetheart. Mummy went to depths of herself that I didn't know existed and I positively roared at the people who wanted to take you from between my breasts and put you inside a plastic incubator. Roared and Auntie Clair snarled too :) The day you were born was filled with sunshine Cushla :) The way you were born was as peaceful and as loving as we could manage my sweet sweet baby girl and one day, when you birth your babies, the sun will shine too.

Cushla, the very reason I do everything that I do, you truly are the beat of my heart, the driving fire behind my healing, the empowerment that transformed damaged into birth warrior. There was no emergency, no what ifs and maybe's. The day you were born was filled with empowerment and clarity and Mummy's heart found a peace with itself that had never been there before xxxxxx

Birth Trauma Association

After all these years I've come across this hugely important organisation!!
Birth Trauma Association

Birth Trauma Association on Facebook

Was absolutely delighted to see that they are asking for people to register interest in a regional supporter scheme. This is exactley what I have been looking for!! Really hope that they can get the scheme up and running as I know it will help more women than anyone could ever imagine!!!

I was contacted by  a lovely long time friend the other day who had read about my birth experiences (About me - long read - you might want a brew before you start!) and shared with me her own healing from birth trauma. Love to you lady xxx

Its such a taboo isn't it. I know there are a huge number of women out there nursing Birth Trauma silently on their own. Never getting any healing or any acknowledgement for those deep deep hurts deep in our hearts. I just want to say that if anyone reading this would like to comment on this blog and share their own Birth Trauma then please feel free or send me an inbox message on facebook. I found great healing in telling my birth story... ok it was horrific... but the more and more I tell it, the more and more I find really little details that I can treasure and nurture for their beauty. It is hard to treasure the tiny snippets of experience that made your heart sing, when the horror of the trauma is drowning out everything else.

Much love and light Sarah xxxxx

Cherish Yourself.

Just found this on a facebook group called Wysewomen and thought it very wise indeed :D

FOR 5 MINUTES...
quick grounding yoga
make arrangement to meet a friend later
lie down
rest eyes
foot scrub
listen to music
cat nap
cucumber on the eyes
conscious breathing
tea & toast
quick shower
body brush
paint toe/finger nails
fresh air
brush hair
look at kids photos
super healthy smoothie
get nude!
say "I CHERISH YOU!" in the mirror
pat a pet
foot rub
stretch
write in your menstrual diary
cherish another
dance
creative visualisation
soothing cup o tea
eat chocolate!

FOR ONE HOUR...
dance!
bathe... scrub, oils, candles
recieve a massage
sauna
cherish another
walk in nature, paying attention to all that beauty
make love!
yoga
meditation
bake!
create something
write
play music
read
get your hair done
invite a girlfriend for tea n cake
cook a delicious meal
de-fuzz
put makeup on leisurely style
make a phone call to a far-flung loved one


FOR A SESSION...
(A FEW HOURS AM, PM)
nice long walk in nature
a spa session
workshop in something you love
massage, haircut, pedicure, chiropodist!
swim
hot bath... bubbles, candles, book
preen
dance to loud music
retail therapy
get it on!
tune in with partner
cook a lovely family/friendly meal
surf the net
out with friends to a film & a meal
sing!
read
sleep and dream uninterrupted!
life drawing class
bike ride
a drive through the countryside
visit a friend
try something new.. challenge yourself!


CHERISH YOURSELF!

One World Birth

http://www.oneworldbirth.com/
http://www.facebook.com/#!/oneworldbirth

About	http://oneworldbirth.com/ - An exciting new global cross-media birth film project.
Company Overview	Produced by the independent film production company Alto Films Ltd, the award-winning film-makers behind the DOULA! ULTIMATE DOCUMENTARY FILM documentary film and REAL BIRTH STORIES.
Mission	To make birth better and safer around the world.
Starring	Ina May Gaskin, Sheila Kitzinger, Michel Odent, Elizabeth Davis, Debra Pascali-Bonaro, Jan Tritten, Cathy Warwick, Beverley Beech plus Consultant Obstetricians, midwives, doulas, academics, scientists, parents and everyone who cares about birth!
Directed by	Toni Harman

Nurturing Wisdom.

As a daughter and grand-daughter, my mothers have nurtured in me, their wisdom. Handed down from their mothers before them. A long line of matriarchal wisdom stretching back to when everything first began. As a mother I draw great comfort from my own intuition. It isn't a blind instinct, it's a wisdom that has been nurtured by my mothers before me and comes handed to me in my genes ready to guide me as a woman, a mother. A wisdom that I have passed to my own three children and especially to my daughter.

I have started this blog for a few reasons.

Firstly, I want a personal space to write in and be able to share things that I have written using social networking such as Facebook. I also want to be able to collate interesting article links and use this blog as a hub for some of the blogs and websites I visit and take an interest in.

I'm hoping long term that this space might become an online resource for parents in my local community.

Somewhere to share ideas, learn together and support one another.

Increasingly it seems that our political leaders seem content to withdraw funding from areas that impacts on the most vulnerable people in our society. I will write more on this another time but I passionatley feel that the time for communities to act is NOW! My own vocational interests lie with the provision of post-natal peer support for mums and dads. Increasingly, the amount of post-natal support that the midwifery and health visiting teams can provide is being cut and cut again. Organisations such as the National Childbirth Trust are working hard to try and make up for the shortfall and whilst on the one hand, I am annoyed and frustrated by the changes in midwifery in this country, I also know that I can offer something to my local community by way of being there to fill the gap. Its not a new idea. It is what women have been doing for each other since it all began.

....people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.... Maya Angelou